Three of the most powerful words in
the English language are: “I am sorry”.

Three of the most powerful words in the English language are: “I am sorry”. They have the power to heal everything from hurt feelings to lifelong emotional turmoil. A true and genuine apology can dry up rivers of tears and mend the cracks in the foundation of one’s esteem.  It can heal broken relationships and broken hearts. While they can never erase the past, but they can drastically change the trajectory of the future. When done well, apologies can be life altering,

Unfortunately, this immense power can be difficult to harness. Most apologies are riddled with explanation and justification. While they are not devoid of genuine regret, they are rarely communicated with the singularity necessary to convey their intended message.  In addition to owning our actions, we typically attempt to communicate the rationale behind our offense. What we fail to realize, is that the listener will likely interpret our desire to be understood as a dismissal of responsibility. When an apology is combined with an explanation, it is rendered ineffective. What is often said is: “I’m sorry, but…” The preposition “but” affectively negates all that came before it. This is true not only in Literature, but in apologies. In order to communicate true remorse, the focus must lie solely on taking responsibility for your actions and expressing remorse for the outcome.

Addressing the other parties role in the conflict
is counterproductive during an apology

Many people struggle with sincere apologies because of the shared responsibility present in most conflicts. It is important to understand that apologizing for your role does not equate to pardoning the other party from theirs. It is likely that the other person contributed to the conflict in some way. However, addressing it in the context of an apology is counterproductive. The acknowledgement of shared guilt and requirement of shared responsibility should be reserved for a separate conversation.

So, what makes apologies so powerful? Much of the pain that we experience is based on past transgressions. There is often the belief that the perpetrator experiences no negative emotions about their actions. Add to this the feeling of being dismissed or rejected because it seems as if the perpetrator has minimized the event and the feelings it has caused. The acknowledgement of wrong doing and request for forgiveness provides a level of validation for the other person, not previously present. It communicates to the other person that you see enough value in them and/or your relationship to garner the energy and effort to gain an understanding of their perspective and the effects of your actions. It says, “You’re worth it.”

The acknowledgement of wrong doing and request for forgiveness provides
a level of validation for the other person, not previously present.

For many people, their mental and emotional issues stem from a deeply held belief of a lack of worth and value. When dismissed or invalidated, this belief is reinforced, exacerbating their previously existing issue. A true, sincere apology, an acknowledgement of their value, a validation of their experience can give them a small glimpse into the belief that they are actually worthy.  That makes apologies so powerful? Much of the pain that we experience is based on past transgressions. There is often the belief that the perpetrator experiences no negative emotions about their actions. Add to this the feeling of being dismissed or rejected because it seems as if the perpetrator has minimized the event and the feelings it has caused. The acknowledgement of wrong doing and request for forgiveness provides a level of validation for the other person, not previously present. It communicates to the other person that you see enough value in them and/or your relationship to garner the energy and effort to gain an understanding of their perspective and the effects of your actions. It says, “You’re worth it.”